For Those Who Love Me: A Widow’s Voice
September 26, 2015 | Carolyn Moor
- First of all, thank you very much for loving me. The old me and the new me.
- Being widowed took me by surprise, whether I knew it was coming or not. Some unexpected surprises leave a person numb for awhile and I certainly qualify and recognize this.
- When the words ’til death do us part’ were whispered on my wedding day (or in my heart at any time), I really never thought they’d apply to me, but I understand fully what ’til death do us part’ actually means now.
- Death IS a part of all of our love stories eventually. Face it with me, our ‘circle of life’ overlaps, let it join us together, not separate us. None of us is exempt from this in life. I need you to listen patiently within this space while we both heal!
- Death has broken open everything in me and I know this must be something hard for you to comprehend because I’m still figuring it out myself.
- Every day, I must decide “Do I please all of you or do I brave the rejection and please myself first?”- I really must choose me right now for the survival of my sanity. Please understand. I’m in a life stage of starting over, like a baby, but with an adult mind and complex, mature emotions. It’s confusing.
- When my love left this earth there were NO more phone calls asking when I’d be home or if I want to grab a bite to eat or to say or text ‘I love you’. It’s heartbreaking and scary to know ‘they are not out there’ and ‘have my back’. Just close your eyes and imagine this for a short moment. Feel your own heartbeat quickly speed up at the very thought. This is my day….. and nights 1000x over.
- I may change my opinion a thousand times before next week because my mind never (never) shuts down. I think about my past, present and future constantly. I’m trying my very best to learn the gift of being in the present moment (I wish I knew why this was so hard?)
So, why do I share all this with you?
- Because my grief needs a voice. It sits and stirs inside me screaming to get out most of the time.
- I want to have gratitude and grace in my life, but grief and negative thoughts can sneak up and get the best of me. Tomorrow is a new day!
- Half of the time, I think I’m going crazy. I wonder if you can see this by looking in my eyes. But from the way I’m treated sometimes, I know I must use more than my eyes to share what is really going on inside of me.
- I’m getting stronger, clearer about what I need to share and say to you and the world. It’s all a step in my healing process.
- I will stumble, I will fall, I will get up and I will brush myself off.
Will you be there to reach out to me when I can stand up and need you? I love you so much and I cherish your love in return now more than ever!